Saturday, 24 November 2012

12 reasons why school is good for you

  1. School will make you enjoy your job one day, because you'll be able to look back and say "at least I get paid for this crap". You won't be able to say that if you're homeschooled!
  2. School will teach you how to present yourself like an intelligent, educated individual when you post things on the internet. Like this fine example, actually posted in the Ramblings section: "LISTEN PPL I GOE 2 SKOOL I GET EDACATUN I LERN THINGZ N THEIR AINT NUTTIN RONG WIT GOEN 2 SKOOL. I GO 2 SKOOL DEN 2 COLLEGE TO GET GR8 JOB MAYBE EVEN BECOME GOOD LAWYER. SO U GUISE NEED 2 QUIT TRYIN 2 GET PPL TO STAY OUT OF SKOOL. SKOOL IS KEWL PPLZ."
  3. School will also teach you where the caps lock key is on your keyboard - very important information that you can't get anywhere else.
  4. Finishing school is the only way any college or university will ever let you in. The only things they care about are the grades you got for your last year of high school. That's all that matters. What did you say? "So all these projects and tests I did over the past 11 years were worthless?" Don't be silly, you needed to do all that stuff to pass your previous years with high marks to make your parents happy enough to keep on feeding you so that you'll live long enough to finish high school!
  5. School will teach you how to contribute to society. We all want to contribute to this wonderful world we live in, right? The best way to do that is to get a job and make money and buy stuff, because it's good for the economy. What's good for the economy is good for everyone! Nevermind that nobody really knows exactly how the economy works. That's completely irrelevant. It's still good. Because I said so.
  6. School teaches you how to think. You see, there is actually only one way that humans are supposed to use their brains, and school is the only place you can get taught how to do it. We're all supposed to be the same - all this talk of "individual needs" and such is nonsense. Embrace the hive! Your queen needs you!
  7. School will tighten the bond between you and your parents. You'll talk more, and have more exciting discussions about things you would never talk about if you were homeschooled. Things like why you aren't studying right now (even though you're still reading this), or why your teacher is complaining about you for the 10th time. It's just such a unique experience that can't be had anywhere else.
  8. School gives you something useful to do with your time. Because, as we all know, the only things teenagers ever do in their spare time is eat, sleep, get high, and screw each other. So, the more homework and tests you have, the better for everyone!
  9. School will teach you what true friendship is all about. True friendship is about telling the teacher that your friend told you he was really depressed, so that the teacher can call his parents, and a psychiatrist will put him on drugs that will turn him into a mindless zombie incapable of feeling depressed (or just about anything else, for that matter). What a true friend you are! Of course, the fact that he'll never talk to you again just shows what an ungrateful brat he is. He'll thank you when he's older.
  10. School will teach you how to deal with obnoxious people - the best way is to be as obnoxious as possible, and if you can't do that, learn the art of invisibility. You can't say you never learned anything in school... come on! Invisibility! That's awesome! Unfortunately, the students who don't learn the art of either obnoxiousness or invisibility tend to arrive at school with guns and attempt to kill everyone. Damn side effects.
  11. School will make sure you turn into a decent, civilized human being. This is done by punishing you whenever you do evil things like run in the hallways or give a teacher your honest opinion. No civilized human being EVER gives anyone their honest opinions on anything, so it's for the best that you get rid of yours as soon as possible. You wouldn't want people looking at you funny every time you speak, would you?
  12. Without school, we would have no technology. Edison would never have invented electricity, the Egyptians wouldn't have known how to build the pyramids, and the cavemen would never have discovered fire!

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