Friday, 14 December 2012

YOU KNOW YOU TEACH MIDDLE SCHOOL IF...

...you empty your pockets at night and find 
1. two used hall passes 
2. one unused bus pass 
3. a pencil stub 
4. no money (you spent your change in the faculty room candy stash) 
5. a note with a drawing of Satan and two expletives that needed deleting 
...you brag to your spouse about how many parent phone calls you got done today 
...your relatives refuse to attend one of your parties if "it's going to be mostly teachers" because they all talk shop 
...you keep trying those techniques that were recommended by experts during the latest pendulum swing 
... you walk the halls of your building and unconsciously pick up litter 
... you are irritated by adults who chew gum in public 
... your spouse surreptitiously reads the paper at dinner while you describe your day 
... you plan your seating chart so that the short kids can't hide behind bigger ones 
... you have seen firsthand what gum wrappers and pennies can do to a floppy disk drive 
... you write your name conspicuously on all personal objects, including your car keys, your masking tape, your textbook, and your chair. 
... you sometimes choose to pretend not to hear comments that were perfectly intelligible to everyone else who was in the room 
... you know what your classroom door sounds like when slammed mightily 
... you have classroom rules about where people may put their feet 
... you know what the ventilation fan in your room sounds like when whirling small objects, usually folded paper or wrappers 
... your librarian cringes when you sign up your class 
... you tell subtle jokes in class just to see those few smiles of the ones that catch on 
... your class gladly acknowledges that they watch Letterman and Rosie O'Donnell and MTV but tell you they haven't time to look at something by PBS during prime time 
... you despise Halloween candy, Christmas candy, and Valentine candy 
... your students prefer current events stories that deal with rape, murder, electrocution, and demonic possession 
... one of your students writes to Congress (on your nickel) to complain about some cigarette butts thrown into a local lake 
... you still can't believe you allowed yourself to be sucked into an argument regarding whether Beanie Babies should be allowed in class 
... you know at least three ways to remove objectionable doodles from textbooks so the next user will not be offended 
... your team goes out for dinner to celebrate the news that your biggest headache is moving to another district 
... you clean desks yourself just to keep the place looking nice and to help your own morale 
... a mother calls to chew you out because you have ignored her son's project only to learn from you that it must be the one that has sat on the chalkrail for weeks with the words "Whose? Is this yours?" written above it. 
... your colleagues claim you inspected a blank student agenda in study hall and said, "Let me guess: All your teachers have been absent for the last month and a half." 
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